The need for space

I have rearranged my sewing room, to create more space, and change the position of my overlocker, that was causing my big sewing desk to vibrate badly, and generally making the space uncomfortable to work in.  Replacing a large desk with a smaller one, placing my computer on the large sewing desk, and the overlocker on a smaller student desk by itself, along with a slightly better layout …. has meant that the space is more inviting for me.

This frustrating process has reinforced to me, just how important a sense of place is.  I was the oldest of a large family.  I never had anything that was essentially mine.  If I grew out of it, got too old for it, or stopped using it (and sometimes even if it was treasured), things were whipped out of my hands, to be passed on to the next in line.   A room of my own, was a fruitless dream, as first siblings and then step-siblings came along.   Unfortunately, coming from a poor background, there is no choice, that is the way that it is.

This experience has led me to crave my own space, and my own things.  Shopping for a replacement desk I am sure has been very frustrating for hubby.   But underlying the endless search for the “perfect desk” has been the fear that I will have to give it up.  And so I fraff about, taking forever to make up my mind.  Even when I give something up voluntarily  (last year’s birthday present, my old desk is in Tony’s study), there is still this little girl inside of me that crys “but that was MINE!”

So many times, these little events in my life triggers a memory.   I wish that just once, it would trigger a happy one.