Having suffered mental health issues as a teenager, I am aware of my “balance”. When I am feeling the strain, and when I know that my brain needs to cut it out and give me a break. Sometimes these moments sneak up on me, but sometimes, I can feel them building, even see it. Its a level of clarity that comes from a lot of introspection, although I am not 100% sure it helps a lot.
I am not feeling overly loved at the moment. This is not anyone’s fault really. Hubby’s work is intense and stressful and absorbs the majority of his emotional quota. His hobby tends to be all-encompassing at the moment, perhaps in an effort to offset the stress of the work, but some days I wonder why he bothers, since it seems so stressful all on its own. I feel that in the competition for his attention, I am fighting a losing battle with electric vehicles, computers, his mates and even books. I bite my tongue, not because he doesn’t care, but because I know that these are his pressure valves, and he needs them.
My sister is fighting her battles, my brother is living his committed bachelor life, my children of course have their own lives to live, friends have busy lives ……… I just don’t feel all that paramount in anyones life right now.
Its these times, when I feel isolated, thats when my brain messes with me. A footballer recently commented that its that internal voice, that says you are worthless, and unloveable … that is hardest to deal with. And it never goes away. My internal voice takes every little event, and turns that into a judgement on me. On my loveability ….. on my worth. I find I throw myself into my sewing, and cooking ……. desperate for approval and acknowledgement. I find myself then brushing these compliments off (annoyingly, just like my mother used to) because while I do it for the approval, in reality I know its not that big a deal. I find myself cringing internally, because at times I feel like I am a 5 year old, jumping around going “look at meeeeee”.
I would love to know how I could change my landscape….. change how I view myself, and how I get my emotional needs met. I would love to know how I could communicate this to my husband, and to my family, without adding to their emotional burden. I don’t have the answers yet …. probably never will.